Funny Employment Stories

[itpdude]

Remember the Gary story where he worked at some store where the owner had a button he'd press that would cause a buzzer to sound every time a black walked into the store?

I'm looking for funny stories from work.

Here's one of mine:

I worked as a cashier at a grocery as a kid. We had all kinds of baggers but this store had a LOT of elderly baggers. There was this one old white guy, Archie, who would walk the groceries out for the customer, grab a gulp of hooch from his old-ass Nova, and come back in. After a few hours of this, the guy would be shit-hammered.

Anyways, I'm checking out this attractive French chick. Archie is bagging for me. She has probably 20 items. I'm checking stuff out on the machine and then check out a large box of Cheerios. It's heavier than normal, I ring it up anyways (I don't really give a shit to investigate), fling it down the conveyor to Archie and out whips a loaf of some pricey, organic, fair-trade-or-some-shit, bread from the box of Cheerios.

Archie picks up the empty box and peers at the loaf of bread and says, "what the hell are those idiots doing back there? Those aren't Cheerios!" He's thinking the stock-guys are fucking with the cereals or something. The chick is, in her suddenly very thick French accent, saying, "I don't understand! I don't want that!!!", and looks at me with tears in her eyes probably thinking I'm going to call the cops.

Again, I don't really give a shit. Archie starts apologizing to the girl, slurring something like, "I'll go back and get you a real box of cereal. I'm sorry but we have some real idiots back their screwing with the inventory." She declined, I rang up the rest of her order, asked if she wanted the bread ("no"), and never saw her in the store again.

[openmike11]

3

[openmike11]

2

[Anfkid]

a friend of mine jacked off in his bosses mustard jar.

[itpdude]

a friend of mine jacked off in his bosses mustard jar.

Ha ha, details? Why? Did the boss eat from the jar?

[The Snork]

<snip>
Anyways, I'm checking out this attractive French chick. Archie is bagging for me. She has probably 20 items. I'm checking stuff out on the machine and then check out a large box of Cheerios. It's heavier than normal, I ring it up anyways (I don't really give a shit to investigate), fling it down the conveyor to Archie and out whips a loaf of some pricey, organic, fair-trade-or-some-shit, bread from the box of Cheerios.

Archie picks up the empty box and peers at the loaf of bread and says, "what the hell are those idiots doing back there? Those aren't Cheerios!" He's thinking the stock-guys are fucking with the cereals or something. The chick is, in her suddenly very thick French accent, saying, "I don't understand! I don't want that!!!", and looks at me with tears in her eyes probably thinking I'm going to call the cops.

Again, I don't really give a shit. Archie starts apologizing to the girl, slurring something like, "I'll go back and get you a real box of cereal. I'm sorry but we have some real idiots back their screwing with the inventory." She declined, I rang up the rest of her order, asked if she wanted the bread ("no"), and never saw her in the store again.

What/ Not even a blow job? I don't think she was even french.

[itpdude]

What/ Not even a blow job? I don't think she was even french.

HAH! No, no bj's. I was a naive and too-nice kid who didn't think that way.

If I knew then what I know now. . . ..

[Anfkid]

Ha ha, details? Why? Did the boss eat from the jar?

he worked in a baby furniture store and he was miserable and the boss was always barking at him. he waited for him to make his sandwitch and then he watched him eat his load.

[itpdude]

he worked in a baby furniture store and he was miserable and the boss was always barking at him. he waited for him to make his sandwitch and then he watched him eat his load.

[The Snork]

I worked with this weekend biker guy ... real piece of shit. Angled to always get ian assignment in this one specific building because it had "these really big toilet seats that allowed him to catch a nap." Would go on for hours on what a shit place this was, ways to goof off, oh and how he was under-appreciated.

They started cracking down on prompt attendance. One day he got four fucking tickets in the parking lot for speeding, ignoring a stop sign, parking in two spots, and parking in the wrong marked spot(s). Because he got stopped by security he was late for the third day in a row. Instant suspension ... He never bothered to come back. He did manage to go across town and get hired to work on the stealth bomber though.

[The Snork]

Then there was a guy who wore the same suit coat to work every day ... didn't smell though. The aluminum foil lining apparently kept him fresh.

[itpdude]

I worked with this weekend biker guy ... real piece of shit. Angled to always get ian assignment in this one specific building because it had "these really big toilet seats that allowed him to catch a nap." Would go on for hours on what a shit place this was, ways to goof off, oh and how he was under-appreciated.

They started cracking down on prompt attendance. One day he got four fucking tickets in the parking lot for speeding, ignoring a stop sign, parking in two spots, and parking in the wrong marked spot(s). Because he got stopped by security he was late for the third day in a row. Instant suspension ... He never bothered to come back. He did manage to go across town and get hired to work on the stealth bomber though.

That's a relief. Here I thought total idiots were given govt. contract jobs. . . . .

[The Snork]

the time the "slick" trainer guy fucked the big titty secretary in the copy room very early one morning. She "accidentally" pressed the copy buttong then shared her memento with the other girls.

[The Snork]

Before there was voice mail we had a message machine. There was one guy who called in sick / late 2-3 times a week. I still have a tape somewhere of him calling in with "some sort of cranial disorder". There was also a great message to our semir-etarded secretary asking her to "stay away from my husband." They were the only black people in the department.

[itpdude]

the time the "slick" trainer guy fucked the big titty secretary in the copy room very early one morning. She "accidentally" pressed the copy buttong then shared her memento with the other girls.

Her tits or ass?

[HowieStearn]

after careful consideration, I declare this thread a fail

[The Snork]

Her tits or ass?

ass ...

[itpdude]

ass ...

Wonder how many plates on copiers have a colony of sperm and pussy-juice on them. . . .

[Jim Lahey]

It's a cool idea for a thread; fuck the haters. Here's the best I can come up with right now: working in a real estate office with a curmudgeonly drunk. He pretends like he's never smoked pot before and buys a bag from the black guy across the street. We fire up and since it's been 10 years since I toked on a regular basis I get baked. I visit Jupiter, swim with the dolphins, invent time travel and eventually come back down. Meanwhile the boss is smoking the joint like a Salem, filling out paperwork.

So I get this great idea that I saw in a R Lee Ermey Vietnam movie: I take off all of my clothes, grab a file that we're working on and walk into his office, pretending that everything is normal. Boss is maybe a little stoned, concentrating on his paperwork. I ask him a couple of questions about this file, pointing to the alleged inconsistencies in the paperwork and he just grunts something like send it out as is, fuck it.

He's not seeing that I'm buck naked so I ask him again and again about minutae, what about this comma, should we call City Hall about that, how about this line HERE and point and that's when he realizes what I'm doing. His eyes bug out and I finally have a good laugh.

[telecaster69]

I was a bartender for 12 years...I have many amusing stories. The one that popped into my head scared the shit out of me. I had to open the bar and found out my server called in sick, then I got a call from a company that was coming in with 15 people at 11:30 for lunch. I was fucked. I went outside to grab a newspaper and this Native American dude with a gunny sack wanted to come in before we opened and I let him. He drank 3 double Jack and Cokes in less than 20 minutes and wanted more. I served him another one and told him that he had to slow down (the liquor board was on our ass). He downed that one and started rambling about the Clash (I had a Clash t shirt on) incoherently. I put an ice water in front of him and was trying to get the bar open. He wandered back to the men's room with his gunny sack, and I kinda forgot about him because I was busy.

He wandered back up and wanted a menu. "A last meal", he told me. He asked me if I ever thought about killing myself and I jokingly told him "yeah, man about every hour or so..." But then I realized he had tears in his eyes and he told me that "I was going to be the last human being that would see him alive." He opened his gunny sack and pulled out a plastic grocery bag filled with prescription meds and told me he took as much as he could in the rest room. I grabbed the bag and looked at the drugs (being an junior pharmacist myself at the time) and sure enough it was all benzos, anti-depressants and oxycodone. I poured with lead in my wrist when making cocktails so I knew that what I poured him alone mixed with however many pills he took would not be a good mix. I called 9-1-1 and got them on their way but the dispatcher was asking for information (like did I know his name, did I know what kind of pills he took, etc.) but he fell off his bar stool and was laying in front of the bar, I didn't know if he was dead or alive. I was panicking because I knew I'd have to wait on at least 20 people by myself and make their lunches and the last thing you want is a suicidal Indian dying on the floor when people are coming in. I get off of the phone and start slapping this dude around and he comes around but he's bawling like a baby, saying shit like "just let me die! just let me die!". I picked him up and tried to get him walking around, so I do but he's babbling and crying and the dude was like 250 lbs. of dead weight...it took everything I had to get him up and moving.

I saw the Police and the ambulance pull up along with this mental health anti suicide unit, and I got him outside so they could take care of him. I got grilled by the cops about how much booze I served him, etc. The authorities left right before all of these people came in and I got my ass handed to me after all of that. I know for a fact I drank on the job that day.