Give us your best joke! Or the best joke you heard recently.

[NotMyBro]

So many depressing threads on here today... let's get a funny thread going!

Here's one I came across:

Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."
"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to."
"What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?"
"I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him."
"Would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

[GaryPuppet]

Did you hear about the Polock who locked his keys in his car?

It took him 3 1/2 hours to get his family out.

[NotMyBro]

GP... lmao..


Here's another one:

A guy asked a girl in a university library "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

[JDDaBadAhz]

Why will the chinese army never take over the world?
They got too many chinks in their armor.

[schnauzer]

Two dumb broads are bitching about their boyfriends when, all of a sudden, one of them receives a massive bouquet of roses:
she says "i HATE getting flowers! It means i'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs apart"
her friend considers the thorny problem & replies "why don't you put them in a vase?"

[damuthafnprez]

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

[fletchman71]

Give Rodney a Chaaaaance!!!! Give Rodney a Chaaaaance!!!

[rilagent]

A man walks into a bar and walks up to a lady. "Did you hear the joke about my cock? I'd tell you but it's too long."

She responds, "Did you hear the joke about my vagina? You won't get it."

[Bob Mitchum]

I always go to a Jackie joke for this type of thing.

What do you get when a naked blonde stands on her hands?

A brunette with bad breath.

[somedude61]

Two Americans and a Polish dude are lost in the desert. The first American, a white guy from the midwest tries to break the silence and poses the question, "If you could have anything in the world right now what would you want?" He starts off with the answer, " I would want a big bucket of ice cold water." The second American, a black guy from the south says, "I would love a big juicey watermelon." The Polish guy thinks for a bit then says, " A car door." Both of the Americans look at him and ask, "why?" The Polish guy responds, "When it gets so hot here in the desert, I would roll down the window."

[fletchman71]

A daddy mole, a momma mole and the baby mole and all crawling up the mole hole. What do the momma and baby mole smell?

Moleasses.
Waka waka waka, I'm here all week. Try the veal.

[NotMyBro]

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...


.... like my name, phone number, address, etc.

[NotMyBro]

One more...

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
Wife asked, "Now, why do you think you deserve a pay raise?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[basketcase]

Why is it so windy at the ball parks? Because of the fans!

[ricdiculus]

when Beth O finally takes a shit , how long will it take her? About 9 months

[somedude61]

Why did Beth O get excited after finishing a jigsaw puzzle only after 6 months? Because the box said from 2 to 4 years.

[somedude61]

Beth O walks into a building. You would think she would have seen it.

[joyceface]

Why did the police office smell bad? Because he was on duty.

[Robert Higgins]

come on, laugh you bastards! Howard told you not to laugh!

[ricdiculus]

howard was about to put his dick in Ralphs asswhen Ralph let loose a stream of diarrhea covering Howard in it Howard screamed "what happened?" Ralph replied "I came" true story